Less Than

So, just to weed out the truly uninterested: social commentary, Hindi Film Industry (aka Bollywood) style. Power to the women and women of power!



Okay, for those who are left, interesting title, hmm? Less than; in mathematical terms, it implies an opposite that is greater than. Greater than; so many uses: there is a power greater than I, this piece of cheesecake is greater than the last...so cheery and optimistic. Unfortunately, in terms of feelings rather than descriptions, less than seems to be a permanent state of mind these days. There are so many things I hope to accomplish; they used to seem entirely feasible (sp?). Now, I seem to lack the confidence to ensure myself that I did, indeed, remember to wear pants to work on any given day.

This confidence that I so lack, that I used to possess in untapped quantities; some of the things it has helped me accomplish include marriage to a wonderful man, at a seeminly "young" age; buying a house; having a son; switching jobs; and presenting myself every day as a strong, fearless woman. The only confidence I gain on a daily basis these days is the confidence in my acting abilities. If it werent for horrific stage fright, I have been told that presentation (in acting, dance, and other forms of creative arts) would be a strong area for me to persue. Now, I persue it daily; I have confidence that I am the only one who knows how truly less than I am feeling. I am confident that my smile seems genuine and my belly-laughs heart-felt. I am confident that my hope for improvement and strength in people comes across as nothing less. I am confident that my perceived confidence is taken for nothing less. Even those who know me well almost never question this confidence. And I am confident that it will present as nothing less than...no matter how much I am feeling less than. Today, acting is my business, and business is good.

Preface

A brand new year with brand new happenings...must preface all this, since my last blog was in July? So much has happened since then! My pregnancy progressed well...it was an awfully hot summer, however! Weasel and I spent most nights sleeping in the guest room with the window air conditioner because our house was so hot! I had a scare in late summer; I was having horrible chest pains and ended up going to the ER. It turned out to be a pulled muscle of some sort, making it very hard to breathe. My sugar went a little wild the week before Dingo was born; almost went on insulin, but managed to keep it under control. On Tuesday the 16th, I began having contractions intermediately during the day. They continued into Wednesday, until I was unable to sleep through them around 11pm. We went to the hospital on Thursday morning at 330am...the rest is history!

While I cant say that my labor and delivery were horrible...they didnt go as "planned". This was where it started to go downhill for me, I think. I gave in and got the epidural. My baby didnt get to stay in my room. I had trouble breastfeeding. Dingo stayed in the NICU for six days. I had a horrible run in with a NICU nurse. I had to supplement with formula. We werent allowed to use the cloth diapers in the NICU. I suppose, through all this, all I can tell myself is that my Dingo is healthy.

Im back in the world of blogging and etsy; fiber and frenzy. Global Mama's is my project this year, along with my website and a batt club. Hopefully, things will continue on a positive path.